Paradox

I just came from our church's Good Friday service. It was somber, artistic and absolutely beautiful.

Tonight, I feel the true depth of my soul.

It is a stirring that cannot be contained by words, figures, or even my feable attempts at writing. It feels almost like every crack and crevice of my humanity has been discovered and filled. Sealed. Completed. I can't really explain it beyond that.

For a large part of the service we were just able to sit in contemplation in the darkened silence and let Christ’s presence wash over us. I was once again reminded of the paradox that is Christ’s crucifixion. Amidst the blood, the pain, the agony, the jeering of an ugly crowd, such beauty, hope and finality is discovered there in those moments. His sacrifice is His love. His wounds were our healing.

He didn’t just die so that we could be judicially saved from Hell. He died so that we may be included IN Him, along with the Father and Holy Spirit in a relationship of love, adoration, obedience and acceptance. This is what I love about the Last Supper. When Christ broke the bread and shared the wine, He longed for his disciples (and us!) to experience Him…to taste, sense, feel his sacrifice in a physical and tangible way.

This relationship means healing. It means that there is perfect trust. It means I can’t continue to hide behind a false fear that if God really knew the ugliness I tucked behind the well constructed dark attics of my heart he would reject me. Instead, he goes from room to room, gently, lovingly inviting me to open the door and lay myself exposed before Him. And when I do, I’m not rejected or banished. He places a finger under my chin and lifts my eyes upward to Him. I imagine him standing there, smiling at me and shushing my fears away and wiping my tears with His hands.

Tonight, I was reminded that I am free. I am content to have him search the darkened corners of my heart exposed. Because of His death, I am laid out before Him WITHOUT SHAME.

And so my prayer for you at Easter…let Jesus’ sacrifice be enough. May it bring you the peace that only comes from being reconciled to a relationship with Him. It is not a peace that can be earned but a peace that has been given. Taste it, touch it, inhale its aroma and experience its wonderment.

Christmas Ponderings for the New Year

Now that the gifts have been opened, the Christmas story read, I’m left to reflect on what I have gleaned from the season. This year has been different for me. We celebrated Advent Conspiracy through our church and while I knew it was going to be an awesome opportunity to help those that really need it, I was not prepared for what it was going to do in my own heart. Even though the heart of Advent Conspiracy is worship, I don’t think I fully grasped the magnitude of this word until this past week.

With what started for me as a way to celebrate Christmas in a simple but meaningful way turned into a complete mindset that I hope will forever shape everything I do. Without the burden of over-spending consumerism and the stress of the hustle and bustle, Jesus was able to strip away the clutter in my heart and make room for simply…HIM. I was left with the opportunity to really ponder Christ. To contemplate in the deepest part of my soul the incarnation of God.

You see, this year was the first year in which I really tried to not let myself become preoccupied by the well-meaning intentions of the holiday season. I don’t say this as a pat on my own back, but rather a testament to what I realize I have allowed myself to miss out during Christmases past. While I have always regularly (and genuinely) touted “Remember the Reason for the Season” every December, more often than naught it seemed as though Christmas would sneak past me every year in some elusive spirit of deeper meaning. Frantic and always slightly disappointed, it seemed I would always be left trying to prepare my heart on the way to the Christmas Eve service.

I realize this sounds as though I’ve been missing the point of Christmas. After all, I grew up in an amazing home that stressed the gift of Christ every year and I get it. I really do. But as someone who has experienced the saving grace of Jesus since I was a wee little girl, I think as an adult I have been longing for something at Christmas that went beyond the TRADITION of celebrating Christ at Christmas and instead experienced something that was life changing.

Maybe that is what God was able to do in my heart this year. I was able to SAVOR his sacrifice, his humility. I was forced to examine the way I worshipped and how I portrayed Christ to others.

It made room in my heart to worship Jesus in the WAY of Jesus.

Jesus didn’t spend his time waiting in long lines at shopping malls, or decorating gingerbread houses. He gave himself fully and completely in his love, time and energy. While I definitely don’t think he would judge our activities at Christmas (if they come with the right intentions), I do wonder if there are times he is gently beckoning for us to take a step back and just RE-EXAMINE and EXPERIENCE who He IS. And how when we do, it literally can feel like our heart’s preconceived notions are getting pounded into a million little pieces. It’s like taking a breath for the very first time all over again and you realize the miracle at Christmas isn’t found on 34th street or even under the tree itself.

The miracle is that God personally entered our story.

I don’t know why but I just keep coming back to this phrase. It is one that makes me want to weep. The beauty of it, the sacrifice of it, and the hope that is found in the notion that God made himself nothing to make us everything is something that my heart can barely wrap itself around. It was the inspiration for the Christmas card that Jared and I sent out this year. It was my heart’s attempt at unraveling the awe and almost gut wrenching, bittersweet feeling of undeserved deliverance. I’m sure you all have read it but just in case I missed some of you out there, I hope it blesses you. May it be a year, and not just a season, that we all reflect on and experience the true heart of God...

THE MOMENT

Amidst the heavy blanket of darkness, a small cry was heard.

A sound so beautiful it would shatter the shackles binding our feet.

It would cause us to lift our faces toward heaven and reach for the eternal.

In that moment, Hope entered the world in a tangible form.

Having tasted the forbidden, we struggled and fought against our very nature.

So weary and broken, needing rescue from a chosen path of self-destruction.

In that moment, God's Love was perfected.

Hands so tiny, an entrance so humble, his beating heart was proof of God's answer.

Goodness and mercy had entered our story, in the faultless epitome of Emmanuel.

In that moment, Heaven took its first breath.

And with his last, he would breathe our forgiveness.

Arms stretched wide, hearts now freed; our decay would be exchanged for His beauty.

In that moment, Redemption was born.

This One is For You Bonnie...

My best friend (Bonnie!!!) tagged me so because I love her so much, here are my Favorite 8s...

8 Favorite TV Shows:
1. Heroes
2. The Office
3. 30 Rock
4. Prison Break
5. ?
6. ?
7. ?
8. ?

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Drank a Chocolate Chai from Common Grounds Coffee Shop
2. Went to church and contemplated the Advent season
3. Visited our Sunday hotspot Little T American Baking Company for lunch with hubby, and Derek & Heidi. Gotta love their soup and baguettes.
4. Did the weekly grocery shopping at New Seasons.
5. Went to a bookstore to longingly peruse European cookbooks.
6. Went for a run and enjoyed the fresh air.
7. Curled up with a book.
8. Thanked God for such a perfect and simple day.

8 Favorite Restaurants (mine all gotta be local!):
1. Savoy's
2. Fonda Rosa
3. Urban Fondu
4. Bipartisan Cafe
5. Stark Street Pizza
6. Toro Bravo
7. Papa Hayden's
8. Bridgeport Brewery

8 Favorite Movies:
1. Pride & Prejudice
2. Legends of the Fall
3. Atonement
4. Far and Away
5. New World
6. Minority Report
7. Cinderella Man
8. How to Lose a Guy in 10 days

8 Favorite Bands/Singers
1. Barcelona
2. Falling Up
3. Wavorly
4. Disciple
5. Amy Seeley
6. Angles & Airwaves
7. Phil Wickam
8. Coldplay

8 Things on My Wish List:
1. Learn Italian & French
2. Learn to play the Cello
3. Become a pastry chef
4. Better learn how minister God's love to those around me and globally
5. Write a novel
6. Quit my job and travel the world with my husband
7. Adopt a child
8. To always find contentedness within the simplicity.

8 People I Tag to Play Next:
1. Brice
2. Natalie
3. Rachel
4. Stacey
5. Michele
6. ?
7. ?
8. ?

Thank You

I guess I could write a list of everything I am thankful for but somehow it just seem too obvious. Instead, I have been challenging myself to examine each moment and pull from the beneath the surface the little things that seem to go by unnoticed. I want to really ponder what it means to be thankful and how, if my heart is truly in that place, how differently I would live my life.

What kind of a person would I be? How differently would I treat my husband? How much more would I acknowledge the depth of God's love for me? 

It seems so often that I get caught up in this sense of entitlement. I don't mean for it to happen but like a dune of shifting sand, I find that I get buried beneath my the weight of my selfishness and indifference. 

To truly to be thankful is to acknowledge that in every moment of my very existence there is something to be cherished, something to inspire awe & learning and something to make me acknowledge that life is so much more beyond my own self. And in my soul, I feel this swell of humble gratitude as I realize just how insignificant I am but just how much beauty there is to found in a life in Christ.

I want to turn my face toward heaven and just breathe Him in. To not say a word and let my heart say the rest. After all, true thankfulness is something that goes beyond the limited perimeters of conversation. It is a posture of humble gratitude and one that is given when we simply revel in the blessings of God. 

Praying for Answers

An important lesson I have been learning...

God does not solely demonstrate his love to us by only answering our prayers with a "Yes."

But rather, His love is much more confirmed to us as He SUSTAINS us through the process.

In my one of my earlier posts, I mentioned I have a lot of family and friends waiting on some answers to prayers. It hasn't made me doubt God, but it has made me question why He seems to answer the prayers of some believers over others.

I'm reading this great book entitled, "Get Off Your Knees and Pray" by Sheila Walsh and studying Ephesians in my quiet time.

I realize that God's ways are higher than our own and that God CANNOT act outside of love because He IS love. I know this but sometimes I just need that reminder from the Word. Times can be confusing and our perspective can be skewed in our pain and doubt.

I love how Sheila Walsh puts it:

"If the whole point of our lives is to become more like Christ and be a conduit for the love of God, then we will be given different paths to take-which may or may not correlate to our prayers. Some paths seem more attractive than others, but no one really knows the burden another carries. What I am convinced of is that God loves his children. I don't know why he answers one woman's prayers one way and another woman's prayers differently, only that he has a reason for it.

A quote from Gore Vidal: "Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies."

One of the ways we can measure whether we are at peace in the love of God is by asking ourselves whether we fall into Gore Vidal's camp (unable to celebrate Christ shining through another's life) or whether we are able to recognize God's wisdom as he lovingly hand-packs each [jar of clay] himself. Because only when we can do that...when we can accept his hand working differently in your life as opposed to mine, answering each prayer in his own time and understanding...can we truly be at peace with God."

Wow. This really humbled me. So many times I get caught in thinking it is all about me or you. "Why don't you heal her God? Why don't you give her a baby?" I mean I am not asking for things that are selfish (babies & healing are all good things) but then I realize it is my PERSPECTIVE that is selfish. I am here for God's purpose and whatever path he has me on is for his glory. Do I always understand that? No.

But that is where God comes in as my sustainer. He is far more interested in showing us his love by being WITH us. I find great hope in that and suddenly the big open ended questions of "Why God?" suddenly don't seem as important. It's not easy and I'm not one to shy away from things when they don't make sense but I have to trust in who God says He is. That has to be enough.

And I'm realizing it is.

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.." Ephesians 1:18-19

Advent Conspiracy

Every year at Christmas, Imago Dei puts on Advent Conspiracy...a re-prioritizing of Christmas that encourages people to get away from the worship of consumerism to the worship of Christ. Instead of spending a lot of money on gifts that people don't really want or need, it is a worship event (NOT fundraiser) that is designed to give to those that need help the most. Likewise, it forces us to detach ourselves from the material element of our society and re-attach ourselves to God and other people.

It clarifies WHOM and HOW we worship.

The important thing to realize is that Advent Conspiracy isn't asking people NOT to buy gifts. To quote from today's bulletin:

"How often have you spent money on Christmas presents for no other reason than obligation? How many times have you received a gift out of that same obligation? Thanks, but no thanks, right? We're asking people to consider spending less this Christmas (maybe buying one less gift). Sounds insignificant, yet many who have taken this small sacrifice have experienced something nothing less than a miracle: They have been more available to celebrate Christ during the advent season.

God's gift to us was a relationship built on love. So it's no wonder why we're drawn to the idea that Christmas should be a time to love our friends and family in the most memorable ways possible. Time is the real gift Christmas offers us, and no matter how hard we look, it can't be found at the mall. Time to make a gift that turns into the next family heirloom. Time to write Mom a letter. Time to take the kids sledding. Time to bake really good cookies and sing really bad Christmas carols. Time to make love visible through relational giving. Sounds a lot better than getting a sweater two sizes too big, right?"

Through last year's giving during Advent Conspiracy, the church was able to SOLVE the water crisis at Mt. Barclay in Liberia and provide clean water, a school for children and implement the teaching of sustainable skills so that single moms would no longer have to resort to prostitution. This is amazing to me!!!!!

Along with global outreach, this year Imago is extending their hand to churches in Portland with the prayer that together we can make a huge impact on one of the darkest cities in the United States....here. It is my prayer that you take a few minutes out of your day and visit the Advant Conspiracy website and pray and ask if this is something God is leading you to become part of. Please make sure to watch the video on the opening page as well as the ones shot in Liberia (under 'videos').

They aren't going to know us as Christians just based on things we choose not to do, but rather and more importantly, how we give and love other people.

Blessings.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

The Body

"When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up-one on one side, one on the other-so that his hands remained STEADY till sunset." Exodus 17:12

The beauty of this verse caught me off guard a couple of weeks ago.

I have so many dear friends and family members that are currently undergoing trying times in their life. From sickness to negative pregnancy tests I realize just how tired they must be. It's not that their faith is fading... but I know their hands must be shaking with exhaustion as they keep reaching out in faith month after month.

I imagine Moses trying to sit there with the weight of a victory on his shoulders.

10 minutes pass, then hours.

His arms, reaching up to heaven, must have started to shake as his strength was no match for the crushing pressure of this monumental task. His shoulders must have ached with exhaustion. I wonder if he started to cry out or if sweat started dripping down his face. Suddenly, this command of demonstrated faithfulness must have felt like a burden too large for him to carry.

God could have just said, "Moses, I hear your cries. I understand this is a lot for any person to carry so I will now take it from you." He could have relieved him of the stress in a blink of an eye.

Instead, God had a different plan. Just as Moses’ arms were about to drop, a brother and friend came alongside him and held him steady till sunset. When I first thought about this verse, I thought ‘how cool is that! They just held up his hands so it was easy for Moses.’ But the more I think about it out, I realize that their arms must have felt the same tiring ache to an extent. Aaron and Hur shared in that burden, in his pain and they didn’t abandon Moses when it became inconvenient. Hours passed and as the darkness of twilight started to overcome them, these three men were silhouetted against a sunset in a beautiful picture of love, faith and committed friendship.

Sometimes, there are burdens that God gives us that we can’t bear on our own. We need our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside and help keep us steady when our arms start to shake. I love that God designed the church for this purpose. It doesn’t matter what congregation we attend or if we live in the suburbs or the inner city. We are one body in Christ. An ever moving, diverse body of believers that is called to a single purpose.

I just want to say to all my friends and family that are going through trying times that I am there for you. That I will come along side you and weep with you if you need someone to share in your pain. I will be there if you need a smile or just someone to sit in silence with you. I will be there until the sun goes down and together we shall keep each other steady.